you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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