it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
