You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
