when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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