in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
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I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
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I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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