you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
