Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
