there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
