just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
