matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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