You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
