so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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