so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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