so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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