I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
