On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
