I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
