...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
