I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
