the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
