On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
