theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
