sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
how does that bad decision feel?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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