im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
