I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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