You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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