How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
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$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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