mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
