I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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