i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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