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I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
