I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
