my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
