If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
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I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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