We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
