either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
