I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
