burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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