Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Oh god it's open bar.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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