i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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