ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
