a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
