What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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