You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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