And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
