Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
