At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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