Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think i got beer on your cat.
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