Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
