so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
