Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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