You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
