He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
