The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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