I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
