i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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