i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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