I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
