Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
