He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
