In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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